Are Nice Guys Even In The Race?

"On why they finish last..."

It seems that wherever we go and whoever we surround ourselves with, conversation is always going to inevitably turn to love, lust, and relationships. This has never been a topic I have been extremely comfortable in discussing unless under the influence of enough alcohol to soften the brutal honesty with which I must approach this.

Admittedly, I am not the best mascot for love. I don't do romance, marriage, PDAs.. I barely even like holding hands (seriously?! You're sweating ON EACH OTHER)

Anyway.

When talking about love with male friends, I seem to be constantly bombarded with the question, 'What is wrong with you women? You all say you want a nice guy, and yet you date total assholes?!'

Gotta hand it to you, fellas. You're damn perceptive.

The truth is, it has taken me a really long time to try and form some sort of suitable answer to this. Whenever I get asked, I tend to just chuckle and shrug it off like I hadn't actually noticed, when in reality I spend most of my time fixating on morons and being completely oblivious to the advances of the genuinely nice guys who tend to lurk in the back of my mind. Don't get me wrong: I have been on dates with nice guys. I have let them take me to dinner, to the movies... And yet have always left the end of the night feeling like I just got smacked in the face by the politeness stick and feeling completely and utterly disinterested.

So what is it that switches off in a woman when she realizes that the guy she is going out with is nice? What is it that suddenly makes this man so unattractive, and somewhat un-dateable? And is this really a thing? Are nice guys done for?

Enough questions. It's time for some answers. Here are the ABCs of why nice guys appear to be finishing last.

1. The Availability clause.

I once went out on a date with a really nice guy. He was great on paper, had a good job, was good-looking, intelligent, and even made me laugh. Telling friends about him they thought I had hit the jackpot. After our date, which fell on a Thursday, he sent me a text message asking if he could see me again that Saturday. Playing it cool, I replied with a maybe. He later told me that he had made a reservation at a champagne bar down town, and he would meet me there at 8pm. Intrigued by his confidence, I went. He spent the night being himself, and generally doting on most things I said and did. The next morning, he texted me again asking if he could see me again soon. Instantly I knew I would never go out with him again.

Over time, it has become embedded in someone that something which is scarce and difficult to find has more value than something that is easily attainable. Diamonds, gold, mink... Things we see of higher value than something like wood. Truth is, wood is everywhere. Paper is everywhere. This is why we would rather the diamonds.

The same applies to men. If they are too available to us, they lose value. While playing it hot or cold is not great either, a man ideally has a subtle balance yet knows when to strike.

2. The Boss clause

Truth be told, a woman is an argumentative creature. We like to argue, and like to win. One of the reasons I went to law school was because I fancied my self a little too much as a defensive conversationalist.  And the great thing about the bad boy? They have the confidence to fight back.

Now, I’m not saying that women want to be argued with, dismissed, and told they are wrong consistently and to no avail. This is the ultimate turn-off. The nice guy, however, can have a tendency to be a little too agreeable around the female species. A guy once asked me out by saying, “I want to take you for a drink. If you don’t want to come with me, that’s fine. I’ll just ask you again tomorrow on the off chance you have come to your senses.”

The next day, he asked me again. On the third try I let him buy me a beer.

Mr Agreeable habitually asks a girl out once, gets rejected, and goes off to wallow in a corner about not even running the same race as the jerks, and never having a shot in hell. While the guy might have the confidence to ask once, he doesn’t believe fully in his ability to win the battle. The follow through is almost non-existent.  For women, this just ruins the game.

To tell a female secret; as much as we might pretend to hate the guys who play the game, we enjoy it just as much as they do. We LOVE the thrill of ‘why isn’t he texting me back straight away?’ and most of us harbour a secret desire to win the upper hand – to be chased. Saying yes on the first request ruins the chase: and guess what Mr Nice Guy? It ruins your chances too. Sorry!

3. The Chemistry clause

To put it simply: women quite often just aren’t attracted to nice guys. They don’t have any sexual chemistry with them. I’ve dated a few really sweet guys and have hated myself for having to tell them I’d rather be friends. Because, the truth is, I could only ever see myself being their friend. Yeah: they got LJBF’d.

Genetically (and this is going back a good few years) women were drawn to the hunter-gatherer: the man who could go out and provide for the family by any means necessary. The man was the predator: strong, rough, and ready. Not all women are looking for that these days (look at Liz Hurley! She’s dating Shane Warne!!) but there still has to be that element of ‘I don’t mind getting my hands dirty or my feet wet if needs be’. A strong, confident man will always let off an aroma of ‘don’t worry, I will look after you, and I know what I’m doing (in EVERY way)’ – the bad boy offers this (AND THEN SOME!!)

Besides, it doesn’t hurt to have a big ball of charm up your sleeve: and the bad boy always seems to know exactly what to say.

BUT DO NOT TAKE THIS AS BIBLE

I am no expert (am I?)

-RH

I'd like to add a disclaimer here. I do believe the nice guy can get the girl, and I believe that more often than not, the nice guy deserves the girl a lot more than anything else. I am just trying to dissect social protocol.

An Ode To Those Who Do Not Want Cake

"You cannot have your cake and eat it too"... 

According to very trustworthy sources, this old English proverb was initially coined to insinuate that one cannot (and should not) lust for more than they already have and deserve. Problematic, here, is the fact that what we want and deserve can be two very different things.

Nowadays, people tend to use this term to apply to the age old question: can anyone actually have it all?

One whimsical afternoon I had a very in depth conversation with an extremely wise friend. The friend was caught in some sort of transitional period in life and was in a consistent state of reminiscence: thinking about decisions which had been made in the past, and what could have been different. My friend wondered, "had I not chosen the path of marriage and children  would I have reached my artistic and creative climax by now?"

I was stuck for a response. The thought had crossed my mind.

Sheryl Sandberg is the COO of Facebook, and might I add, a very wise woman. She did an amazing speech for Ted Talks on why the world has few too many women leaders, which I believe can be applied perfectly to this statement. She notes that: "A recent study in the US showed that, of all married senior managers, only two thirds of the married men had children and only one third of the married women had children."

So what is the big play here?

Can anybody really have it all? And even if we don't want it all, who is to say that what we want is cake?

Anybody who knows me is aware of the fact that I like to travel. Anybody who has ever asked me will know that I have no real desire to plant roots anywhere, and start a life in one particular country. I do not tend to define myself by where I am, however I consistently struggle with the definitions forced upon me by where I choose to be, and how long I choose to be there.

At the moment, life is pretty good. I like my job, I have a good home life, and I have plenty of money that I know I will never want for anything. I have tasted professional success to the point that I will soon be relocated to another country to live and work. Career wise this is an amazing opportunity for me; however it means leaving friends and family who are doing nothing but digging their heels in deeper: buying property, getting married, having children... 

It makes me wonder whether, somewhere along the line, the decision will become an inevitable 50/50 split. Will I have to choose between having a great career and a wealth of travel opportunity; and having family?

I spoke about this with another friend. She noted, somewhat non-nonchalantly, that she had relocated to Australia to be with her husband. The choice was hard, but she had wanted a family.

Being faced with angry accusations of "why are you leaving me?" on countless occasions over many years, I cannot help but start to wonder, "why aren't you coming too?"

Within the space of a year, I have lived in three different countries, four different homes, and spent 125 hours mid-air.  I have been on countless dates, and dealt with weddings, pregnancies, engagements, break ups, and breakdowns (only some of which are my own). Through all of this, I have never sat in front of somebody who hasn't questioned why I do what I do. Perhaps this is simply one's way of demonstrating sadness at my departure, but I can't help but be slightly concerned with the fact that it is somehow OK to question a person's decisions to travel, yet it has never been OK to ask someone why they are having a baby, or why they are marrying the guy they have been with since puberty.

What if I want cheese and fruit instead of cake? Should I be subjected to months of tyrannical questions about the validity of fruit, or where fruit will get me when everyone else is tucking into their delicious New York Cheesecake?

Perhaps my maternal instinct will never actually kick in.

Maybe I will die alone with a box of old photographs and travel tickets, and pictures of my pet cats.

But perhaps I will be really fucking happy about it, and all the people that ate the cake will be damn fat and miserable.

-RH

The Top Albums of 2012

I decided to write a few blog posts which discuss what I enjoyed in 2012. This is the first..

Top Five Albums of 2012

1. Cruel Summer - GOOD Music/Kanye West

I know what you're thinking guys... Kanye West with the best album of 2012?! And yes, before you ask, I know that I am white (and poor) and am not a 'G'. However, I must profess my love for Kanye 'Yeezy' West and his penchant for everything in excess. Watch The Throne and My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy served as perfect introductions to this eclectic mix of all year listening. Cruel Summer is a compilation album and feels almost like a mixed tape of someone's favourite songs rather than an actual album it itself. I know that there aren't a huge amount of awesome things we can say about Kanye West as a person (sorry baaae!) but do not let it stop you from having a listen to this album.

Highlight tracks include: Clique, Cold, and Creeper.

When to listen: When driving. You will begin to think you're in a 'hummah'

2. Babel - Mumford and Sons

The first album by Mumford and Sons, Sigh No More, remains to this day one of the best albums I have ever heard, to the point where I was actually scared to listen to their second offering in case it ruined them for me. Whoaaa, lordy. I hate the fact that I missed time on listening to this on repeat. This is an eclectic, folky offering which, despite all of its joys, might sometimes step a little too far into the whimsical sorrow of string instrumental. You would probably have to already enjoy Mumford and Sons to do this album justice, but if you are a fan then you surely won't be disappointed.

Highlight tracks include: Broken Crown, Lover of the Light

When to listen: Before bed

3. Coexist - The xx

So, shoot me. I'd never heard of The XX before this album was released in September. It was actually a colleague who got me listening to them on the claim that they were "the best band ever!!!". OK, not the best band ever, but as far as music goes, particularly in a year that I feel was somewhat dry of spectacular musical achievement, they are not half bad. Give this a listen and you probably won’t regret it.

Highlight tracks include: Reunion, Angels

When to listen: In the gym

4.  Until Now - Swedish House Mafia

I am almost certain that you have to be a particular kind of person to really appreciate Swedish House Mafia. They are not for everyone. Contrary to popular belief, however, you do not have to be a smack-head raver to appreciate the way their tracks are so finely put together. I have always had respect for talented musicians, no matter what genre they choose to pursue. I’ve been in enough dodgy bars all over the world to appreciate a good DJ!

Highlight tracks include: Antidote, Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall

When to listen: A New Years Eve Party/Nightclub

5. Our Version Of Events - Emile Sande

I know that this one is a bit of a dark horse. It isn't really all about the album guys (I'll admit, I'm cheating a little!) Anybody who watched the Olympic Games Opening Ceremony (hello, everyone!) can appreciate the talent here. This album does have its weak spots: you will never listen to every track, but the tracks you do enjoy? You really, really enjoy.

Highlight tracks include: Heaven, Next To Me

When to listen: Over dinner

Noteable mentions: What We Saw From The Cheap Seats - Regina Spektor; Not Your Kind Of People – Garbage; Halycon – Ellie Goulding 

--RH

A Letter To My Nineteen-Year-Old Self..

KGUYZ, been a while.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life now and the sense of déjà vu, which is haunting me on a daily basis. I wondered whether I could ever actually get caught in the same situation twice; or whether it would, inevitably, be different.

The second law of thermodynamics gives us an arrow of time, and states that all matter, whatever it is, will change over time. Like humans, stars will die… and everything will eventually cease. Something of low entropy will become a high entropy object, and it cannot go backwards.

So surely I have not gone backwards, and the situations I find myself in are, if only in a small way, different?

This was the inspiration behind the below letter. It is a letter to my nineteen-year-old self. I realized that, if nothing else has changed it is my perspective on the situation, and the way that I deal with the decisions and options before me. My subconscious reaction is ultimately different, and can never go backwards.

Nineteen was an interesting time for me. This is why I felt it important to go back there, and see exactly what has come of it.

A LETTER TO MY NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF:

A little piece of advice in terms of what is coming in the future for you, kid. It’s definitely going to be interesting.

First off, try remembering who you actually are as opposed to who other people think you are, and make you want to be. Other people are a constant source of inspiration, but they shouldn’t define you. From time to time, you’re going to see your entire future in another person, but it simply isn’t the case. It’s because you don’t really know what’s coming and you need to trust something. The best thing you can do is to make this mistake.  You’re going to take the long road, kiddo. You’re going to be that person who learns who they don’t want to be before actually figuring out who you are. It’s OK. This lesson in itself will define you.

You’re going to meet people who just weren’t built from the same stuff as you. Don’t judge them for it. Some of your best friends in the future will be people you never thought you would have anything in common with. Life is about chemistry and understanding. It isn’t about how you grew up or where you came from. You’re going to take a pretty serious point of view on this later in life.

Look back fondly on everything you can still remember. If you can, write stuff down. It’s more than a little embarrassing that you can’t remember all the great memories your friends have. Then again, perhaps it is because the memory bank is filled with so many other wonderful things.

Don’t start smoking. Seriously, it’s gross, and you will fight against it for the rest of your life.

The decisions you make now will change who you are forever. Choose wisely, but don’t let the thought process dominate. Always trust your gut: it will serve you well.

GET ON THE PLANE.

Every time.

Don’t ever take your money for granted.  Sometimes you will make a good amount, and sometimes you will make nothing. Spend money: it will not last forever, but be sure to save some for a rainy day. There are a few rainy days in your future.

Oh, and another thing? You’re going to work in sales. It’s probably going to make you begin to hate all people, but it’s also going to give you a pretty thick skin. You won’t be scared of a ‘no’, and you won’t expect much on a maybe. Your life will become dependent on the black and white: this is not a bad thing. In a few years you will understand the pun behind the negative shades of grey.

Stop taking yourself so seriously: Laugh.

You have years and years ahead of you: Slow down. Don’t rush so much.  You’re just not ready yet and that’s OK.

Listen to bad music, watch awful movies.

And never underestimate the value of helping another person. Nothing is ever worth anything unless you have someone to share it with. Whatever it is that you think you want from your life and from yourself, it will never be what you think it is unless you have family and friends there to stand by you.

Don’t grow up too fast, kid.

Also… remember to moisturize. 

-RH

WHY I CARE ABOUT THE US PRESIDENTIAL RACE

(AND SUPPORT OBAMA)

Those who have seen my posts on Facebook and Twitter will know full well that I followed (with great gusto) the US Presidential Race. I keenly watched every debate and joined in the millions of Americans who every day tweeted their opinions on the candidates and their policies. I laughed when Obama laughed, and tried to hold back tears when his first debate was a colossal failure. I clenched my fists and ground my teeth in anger whenever Romney opened his mouth, and I have passionately argued against his views.


Those who know me well know that I am not a ‘politico’. The only thing I really know about Julia Gillard is that she has really bad hair. Likewise, my knowledge of Boris Johnson begins and ends with my love of his infamous blonde locks.


Having said all this I perhaps shouldn't have been surprised when, upon seeing me in fits of happiness and excitement at the results of last night’s election, I started getting asked, “why do you care?!”


I was asked this so many times I thought it might be best if I was to explain.


Immigration Policy is one of the big reasons why I care about the US election. Obviously this will one day affect me because I am not a US citizen. Romney stated that his party ‘loves’ legal immigration, but would take a tougher stance against ‘illegal’ immigrants who are every day crossing the borders, overstaying visas, and seeking refuge in the US. This argument actually made up a disproportionate part of Romney’s campaign. What Romney really meant was this: “Let scientists, entrepreneurs, and technology geniuses into America so that they can start American companies that will bolster the economy. Everybody else, especially the Mexicans, can stay out”.


Romney even went as far as to propose the construction of a high security electric fence to run the border.


Didn't they make a movie about this?! Oh yes: Machete. Robert De Niro played (Mitt Romney) the Presidential candidate.


You want to know why you lost the Latino vote, Mitt?!?


As somebody who might one day want to take an extended working holiday in the US who does not understand science, I can’t say that the Romney/Ryan policy is incredibly attractive to me.



Education really needs to be a priority because I am really sick of Americans being the butt of every joke because they are stupid. Don’t get me wrong: I know a lot of Americans that are very well educated, intelligent, and eloquent. Unfortunately, they do not represent the majority of the country (or at least not in the eyes of the rest of the world). Obama put together a plan to really make education a priority. He fought against the increase of student loan interest rates which saved the education sector close to 60 billion USD. This money was then put towards college grants, and capping student loan rates. Mitt Romney paid no attention to the issue, other than to state that people who could not afford college education should simply “borrow the money from their parents”.


Uh, yeah Mitt. You’re right. The best way to stop breeding new generations of idiots is to encourage them to borrow money (from their parent’s money tree no doubt).


I CANNOT deal with more people who cannot read, write, or figure out where Sweden is on a map. This will simply spawn more things like ‘Teen Mom’ being accepted as normalcy. People are getting dumber, and they need to be stopped.



Further to all of this, equality is really something that I think people take for granted in the Western world. I honestly didn’t think twice about the fact that I was entitled to education until I read about Malala Yousifazi being shot by the Taliban for supporting a women’s right to study.


Our ideas on equality were seriously brought into question by this election. Mitt’s views on Hispanics, Gay and Lesbian couples, and a woman’s right to choose really made me take a look at how equal we really are.


So if all of this is happening in America, why do I care about it all the way in Australia?


All over the world there are developing countries that are looking to the US to set the example. Note that these countries are developing: they are growing in power and prominence on an international scale. America has huge amounts of influence in the Western World, and American culture is seen by many as some sort of ‘pinnacle’ of existence. It seems we have evolved in many ways yet still seem to believe in the Great American Dream.


Do we want countries developing to new heights of discrimination? Or should we be encouraging them to educate themselves on the matter; to love one another; and to realize that countries must rise and fall “as one family” regardless of their gender, race, or sexual preference?


The elected President of the United States needs to lead the way for every country that has become accustomed to McDonalds, Friends, Apple computers, and Starbucks Coffee; and have grown to believe that the American ideals are to be held in the highest esteem.


I care about the US Election because regardless of the outcome, America will continue to sit on a pedestal for so many people all over the world who aspire to their influence and ‘greatness’.


And for all those who will try to argue that decisions made in America cannot have international aftermath?


In 2001, George Bush made a decision that sent 28 nations to war and killed millions of innocent people.



I care because I don’t want to see that happening again.



RH



Follow me on Twitter HERE

Why I Forgive Kanye West

I think I speak for all of us when I say that we are angry at Kanye West. Here’s a few reasons why:

1.     Who can forget the ‘Imma let you finish’ moment at the VMAs?
This was years ago, yet somehow it sticks in all our minds as one of the biggest ‘jackass’ moments in Gen-Y history. Love her or hate her, Tay-Tay Swift did NOT deserve that.

2.     He has turned Kimmy Kay into a ‘ghetto-fabulous’ mess.
Again, you can love her or hate her, but Kim Kardashian used to wear nice clothes before she became one half of ‘Kimye’. They fit her better, too, but that’s not for here.

(This is a hot mess)

3.     He has not been blessed with modesty.
See here HERE when he stormed the stage at the MTV Europe Music Awards to protest his “million dollah” video not winning. On another occasion, he also said that if there were a modern version of the bible, he would be in it. ERM, OK HONEY PIE.

So perhaps Kanye has taken things too far before. He has had ridiculous hair, ridiculous clothing, and has even sung a song about how ridiculous he is. (Yeah, it's true. Hear it HERE)

I do believe, though, that we should probably forgive Kanye for all of his (many) wrongdoings.

Here are my reasons: WHY I FORGIVE KANYE WEST

1.     He knows exactly who to collaborate with to make a hit.
Need I list: Chris Martin, Rihanna, Jay Z, Adam Levine, Beyonce, Swizz Beats, Bon Iver, Thirty Seconds To Mars… Need I continue?
Point is, once I have collaborated with some of the biggest selling artists of the decade, I will be able to say that Kanye is not cool. (Not happening ever, by the way.)

2.     He lets us know where he’s come from.
Now, I know I’m not alone when I was like, “HOLLA GURLL” when JLO did her ‘Jenny From The Block’ stuff. I’m whiter than Casper, and I began to identify with the Bronx. Similarly, Kanye wants us to know that he is from humble beginnings, and he has never shunned his past. From ‘Made In America’ (Watch The Throne, 2012) “I told my Mumma I was on the come up; She said you going to school, I’ll give you a summer; Then she met No I.D and gave me his number; Ten years later she drivin a hummer.”
Don’t we all love a man who love his mumma!?

3.     He kind of has a point... Even when he says it wrong.
Of course, when he said that George Bush ‘hates black people’, it might not have been the most politically correct thing that any one has ever said. I would like to point out, however, that many modern celebrities would never be so candid for fear of persecution.
Plus, ‘Single Ladies’ is one of the best video clips of our time.
PREACH, Kanye! PREACH FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOPS!

(Whoa there, Kanye)

4.     He’s a damn rock star!
He talks shit, he’s abrasive, and he makes people angry! How many true rock stars are left in this world?! If we begin to eliminate the Kanye’s, we might get stuck with (a) the too-good Bieber-fever, or (b) Miss ‘keep-me-relevant’ Madonna.
Bitches, please. Move aside?  The King is here.

5.     He admits when he’s wrong.
 Currently the world is gripped with this snooze fest (other-wise known as the US Presidential Debate), where it seems that a politician can say or do anything without ever having to apologize. Need I write how REFRESHING it is to find a CELEBRITY who is the first to admit he is wrong, and go even further than a simple apology? I am referring, of course, to Kanye calling himself a douchebag in his song Runaway, which he wrote to apologize for Tay-Tay Swift-Gate. See HERE

So, I guess there you have it. A rockstar who speaks his mind, operates as an open book, and isn’t too big to say ‘sorry'.

What’s not to forgive?!

Oh, wait. I forgot this:

LOL SORRY GUYS.

Point taken.


[Image sources here and here and here]