FILM REVIEW: "HER"

“Her”

Written and Directed by Spike Jonze
Starring: Joaquin Phoenix, Scarlett Johansson.
Story: Left emotionally vulnerable when his wife leaves him, writer Theodore Twombly (Phoenix) develops an emotional attachment to his operating system, Samantha, voiced by Scarlett Johansson.

Famous for films such as Adaptation and Where The Wild Things Are, “Her” is the first completely original offering from Spike Jonze where he has both written and directed. As such, we have to enter the theater with the distinct impression that this film is going to be one thing: different.

The concept of the film is beautifully original, and hopes to serve as a warning to us all about our reliance on technology. With a very basic plot, Jonze is able to take us through a head spin of action and consequence as Theodore falls more and more in love with his computer operating system. Phoenix is predictably enjoyable, and Johansson does well to demonstrate that acting is not purely physical, but can be done extremely well with just a voice, however, there is a lot missing from this film.... 

READ THE FULL REVIEW HERE

To Men Of Past and Present..

Dear...

Jacob. All the things that you did for me were really nice. The fact that they were rehearsed and revised actions that had been undertaken time and time again is no longer of any relevance. At that moment, they were for me, and I wish I hadn't been so mad about it.

You taught me a lot about what it means to love somebody, and believe in them even if they are slightly ridiculous. You taught me that loving somebody isn't a choice. It happens, and just as it happens, it can go away again.

Damien. I am not sure if you still hate me for the way everything happened, or if you just can't look me in the eye anymore. The things that I did were all for good reason, and I think that you understand that now. I still don't like that you never gave yourself a voice. Thank you for giving me one.

Matthew. You have the nicest face. It isn't that it is stunning, it's that your eyes and your smile made me want to do things I would never even do. And I have done those things, because I wanted to do them with you. I wanted to be the person that could tell you, show you, and teach you everything. I wanted to know you. But I'm not sure you wanted to know me in the same way. I always wondered where you disappeared to. I never told you how I felt though, because I was too scared you would reject me. I was just too scared to lose what I didn't want in order to reach for what I needed. Perhaps I let us both down.

Luke. Maybe I was what you said I was. But the hardest part about being your friend is that you were never the same to me. I actually think I would have died if it wasn't for your consistent, fierce support which genuinely made me believe that barriers can be broken down and people can feel true and genuine love, without being *in love*. Sometimes I hate that you have moved past everything, but then I remember that I am the one who ran.

David. I always thought I would miss you when I went away. I never did. I only ever missed your best friend. I am sorry. 

Marcus. I think we went through something together that neither of us will really understand. There was nothing that ever happened, in any sense, however, I felt changed by you and I'm fairly sure you are the same. It is such a shame to me that when I think of you now, those thoughts are filled with contempt and exhaustion. It makes me think that everyone else must have given up on figuring you out, too.


*Names have been changed in this piece to protect myself, and only myself. Think one of these is about you? Ask me. This may or may not be a piece of fiction

- RH

A Poem...

On Making The Bold Decisions

I just want to put this out there: I think that young people today have it tough. Of course: people in their mid twenties these days have access to more opportunity that ever before. I'm not trying to deny that. We have countless gadgets and systems to make our life easier, and there is more knowledge in the world that is more readily available to anybody who wants to receive it. However, I think with all of that there comes great social responsibility, which, with many young people, leads to greater social anxiety. It is a constant pressure of 'Am I good enough?' 'Do I wear the right clothes?' 'Am I the ideal weight?' 'Have I got enough friends?'

It's a minefield.

Depression rates are up. Suicide rates are up. And it doesn't stop with young people. Just last week, a friend told me that her partner's Uncle had just committed suicide. He was fifty four.

Let me just put this out there. I moved to another country to work a night shift. I didn't really know anybody, and had no idea how I was going to adapt to such a rapid change in lifestyle. I had lived way from home before, however I had anticipated that this would be a little different.

It is.

Along with obvious physical tolls on my body from working such hours, there have been mental and emotional strains that have come with the transition. Trying to assist other people in their transition hasn't helped either. There is a distinct domino affect at play when people aren't happy and it spreads like disease.

So where am I going with this?

The thing is: we are not bound to anywhere, or tied to anything. The greatest thing about the world today is that we are given the freedom to design our own fate. Whatever it is that you're not happy with, there are ways to change it. 

Every day, make one positive effort to better your life.

I recently quit smoking (again) which is a habit that has come in and out of my life for longer that I would be willing to admit. Along with quitting smoking, I also decided to cut back on alcohol. I removed processed foods from my diet, cancelled out majority of my dairy intake, and hired a personal trainer.

Point of this? I have learned that you can never be completely happy emotionally, spiritually, or mentally unless your insides are happy, too.

And I didn't do this all at once. I took small steps to better myself. Even the most miniscule effort towards positive action is the first step in improving your life. Cutting out the dirt, and the things that were making me feel physically uncomfortable, has had a great impact on the way I approach everything else in my life.

Of course, there are still frustrations. There are 'dog days' when it seems that nothing will go right.

I will repeat what I said. We have the power to design our own fate.

Don't waste it.

Hello, Ladies...

Last week I was walking home from a friend's house, when something bizarre happened to me. While driving past, a man yelled out  of a car window, "Wanna go splits in a baby?!"

Outraged, I gave the man two of my most beautiful fingers, and yelled something back at him which was oh-so-inappropriate. 

I continued my walk and inevitably I began to wonder where on earth chivalry had gotten to, and why it was that one cannot simply walk down the street anymore without being objectified. Then I got to thinking about my own response to this guy's proposition. 

I realised: chivalry isn't dead. It is out on a lunch date with the concept of being ladylike.

One of my good friends has developed quite a crush on a guy she slept with once.

Wait, let me back up on this one. I have to explain.

My good friend went on a date with a guy a few months ago. They really hit it off, and I remember her telling me afterwards that she really thought she could date this guy. Their second date, unfortunately, resulted in a drunken night of passion and a morning after of regret. Needless to say, she didn't hear from the guy again aside from the occasional drunk text.

She asked me a few weeks ago: had she not slept with him so soon, would things be different? Regrettably, I had to admit that they would be. She pushed further: was there anything she could do to rectify the situation and make herself seem date-able again? Unfortunate still, I had to say that there really wasn't anything that could be done. The impression had been made.

I haven't spoken to this friend in a while, but I am fairly sure that she still likes the guy, and he still doesn't care.

The horrible truth is that until a woman starts to act like a lady, she will be treated like a tramp.  When men watch Rihanna perform (read 'scantily-clad gyrate'), they don't want to take her out for dinner.

As much as there is probably somebody that all women would like to call up and say "I never behave like that, and I did genuinely want to date you", it simply isn't the way of the world anymore. 

Just like yelling out of your car window; the damage is done. Like it or not, we all stand to be judged. 

Perhaps I will start to comb my hair more often… and wear pantyhose.

- RH (full time lady)

Why Aren't We Living Our Dreams?

Ask any child what they want to be when they grow up, and they will probably deliver you a clear and concise answer within 20 seconds.  Ask the same question of a teen and they will also deliver you a clear and concise idea of their dreams and aspirations of the future. The most inspiring thing will be the passion with which they tell you exactly what they want from their life.

Ask an adult what their dreams and goals are for the future, and you will inevitably be given a different response. In most cases, you will receive a watered down, filtered version of a fragment of everything they wanted to be ten years ago.

Why does this happen? For many of us, reality kicks in and the desires we once had seem to us to be delusions of grandeur and entirely unattainable. We somehow place our deepest desires in the 'too hard basket' and end up settling for some sort of comfortable alternative.

This has crossed my mind quite frequently lately. I wonder what happened to my own delusions of grandeur, and how the desires I harboured so closely have become somewhat distant memories.

I realised that the desire is still there. If I search for it, then it is actually stronger than ever.

But why aren't we going after our dreams? Is it, in this modern world, something that is just too difficult? Why are we being watered down by concerns about money, freedom, and personal comfort?

Sometimes I wonder and I ask myself what I would do if I wasn't afraid. How would my life be different if I wasn't worried about the financial side of things? Is it really money that is holding us back from our dreams, or is it deeper than that? Are we actually just afraid of the way we will be perceived if we throw away all levels of comfort and security on what people might perceive as a whim?

I seem to be asking a lot of questions, but don't really have the answers to any of them.

I take a lot of chances by moving countries, yet I am somehow moving from one safety net to another. My decisions are calculated and almost cold. When I really think about it, most of the decisions I have made have been purely financial. What decision will make me the most money, give me the most freedom, and ultimately benefit my comfortable life in the long term?

The truth is that money will look after itself. If it really comes down to it, then we will find a way to keep ourselves alive. It's instinctual. 

All it takes is the courage to take that first step. Those who support you are in your life for a reason. Those who judge you, don't have the right to do so anyway.

It sounds cliche, but I believe in the power of dreams. I believe that with enough hard work, anybody can achieve anything that they want to.

They only have to be brave enough to throw themselves into it.

Are Nice Guys Even In The Race?

"On why they finish last..."

It seems that wherever we go and whoever we surround ourselves with, conversation is always going to inevitably turn to love, lust, and relationships. This has never been a topic I have been extremely comfortable in discussing unless under the influence of enough alcohol to soften the brutal honesty with which I must approach this.

Admittedly, I am not the best mascot for love. I don't do romance, marriage, PDAs.. I barely even like holding hands (seriously?! You're sweating ON EACH OTHER)

Anyway.

When talking about love with male friends, I seem to be constantly bombarded with the question, 'What is wrong with you women? You all say you want a nice guy, and yet you date total assholes?!'

Gotta hand it to you, fellas. You're damn perceptive.

The truth is, it has taken me a really long time to try and form some sort of suitable answer to this. Whenever I get asked, I tend to just chuckle and shrug it off like I hadn't actually noticed, when in reality I spend most of my time fixating on morons and being completely oblivious to the advances of the genuinely nice guys who tend to lurk in the back of my mind. Don't get me wrong: I have been on dates with nice guys. I have let them take me to dinner, to the movies... And yet have always left the end of the night feeling like I just got smacked in the face by the politeness stick and feeling completely and utterly disinterested.

So what is it that switches off in a woman when she realizes that the guy she is going out with is nice? What is it that suddenly makes this man so unattractive, and somewhat un-dateable? And is this really a thing? Are nice guys done for?

Enough questions. It's time for some answers. Here are the ABCs of why nice guys appear to be finishing last.

1. The Availability clause.

I once went out on a date with a really nice guy. He was great on paper, had a good job, was good-looking, intelligent, and even made me laugh. Telling friends about him they thought I had hit the jackpot. After our date, which fell on a Thursday, he sent me a text message asking if he could see me again that Saturday. Playing it cool, I replied with a maybe. He later told me that he had made a reservation at a champagne bar down town, and he would meet me there at 8pm. Intrigued by his confidence, I went. He spent the night being himself, and generally doting on most things I said and did. The next morning, he texted me again asking if he could see me again soon. Instantly I knew I would never go out with him again.

Over time, it has become embedded in someone that something which is scarce and difficult to find has more value than something that is easily attainable. Diamonds, gold, mink... Things we see of higher value than something like wood. Truth is, wood is everywhere. Paper is everywhere. This is why we would rather the diamonds.

The same applies to men. If they are too available to us, they lose value. While playing it hot or cold is not great either, a man ideally has a subtle balance yet knows when to strike.

2. The Boss clause

Truth be told, a woman is an argumentative creature. We like to argue, and like to win. One of the reasons I went to law school was because I fancied my self a little too much as a defensive conversationalist.  And the great thing about the bad boy? They have the confidence to fight back.

Now, I’m not saying that women want to be argued with, dismissed, and told they are wrong consistently and to no avail. This is the ultimate turn-off. The nice guy, however, can have a tendency to be a little too agreeable around the female species. A guy once asked me out by saying, “I want to take you for a drink. If you don’t want to come with me, that’s fine. I’ll just ask you again tomorrow on the off chance you have come to your senses.”

The next day, he asked me again. On the third try I let him buy me a beer.

Mr Agreeable habitually asks a girl out once, gets rejected, and goes off to wallow in a corner about not even running the same race as the jerks, and never having a shot in hell. While the guy might have the confidence to ask once, he doesn’t believe fully in his ability to win the battle. The follow through is almost non-existent.  For women, this just ruins the game.

To tell a female secret; as much as we might pretend to hate the guys who play the game, we enjoy it just as much as they do. We LOVE the thrill of ‘why isn’t he texting me back straight away?’ and most of us harbour a secret desire to win the upper hand – to be chased. Saying yes on the first request ruins the chase: and guess what Mr Nice Guy? It ruins your chances too. Sorry!

3. The Chemistry clause

To put it simply: women quite often just aren’t attracted to nice guys. They don’t have any sexual chemistry with them. I’ve dated a few really sweet guys and have hated myself for having to tell them I’d rather be friends. Because, the truth is, I could only ever see myself being their friend. Yeah: they got LJBF’d.

Genetically (and this is going back a good few years) women were drawn to the hunter-gatherer: the man who could go out and provide for the family by any means necessary. The man was the predator: strong, rough, and ready. Not all women are looking for that these days (look at Liz Hurley! She’s dating Shane Warne!!) but there still has to be that element of ‘I don’t mind getting my hands dirty or my feet wet if needs be’. A strong, confident man will always let off an aroma of ‘don’t worry, I will look after you, and I know what I’m doing (in EVERY way)’ – the bad boy offers this (AND THEN SOME!!)

Besides, it doesn’t hurt to have a big ball of charm up your sleeve: and the bad boy always seems to know exactly what to say.

BUT DO NOT TAKE THIS AS BIBLE

I am no expert (am I?)

-RH

I'd like to add a disclaimer here. I do believe the nice guy can get the girl, and I believe that more often than not, the nice guy deserves the girl a lot more than anything else. I am just trying to dissect social protocol.

An Ode To Those Who Do Not Want Cake

"You cannot have your cake and eat it too"... 

According to very trustworthy sources, this old English proverb was initially coined to insinuate that one cannot (and should not) lust for more than they already have and deserve. Problematic, here, is the fact that what we want and deserve can be two very different things.

Nowadays, people tend to use this term to apply to the age old question: can anyone actually have it all?

One whimsical afternoon I had a very in depth conversation with an extremely wise friend. The friend was caught in some sort of transitional period in life and was in a consistent state of reminiscence: thinking about decisions which had been made in the past, and what could have been different. My friend wondered, "had I not chosen the path of marriage and children  would I have reached my artistic and creative climax by now?"

I was stuck for a response. The thought had crossed my mind.

Sheryl Sandberg is the COO of Facebook, and might I add, a very wise woman. She did an amazing speech for Ted Talks on why the world has few too many women leaders, which I believe can be applied perfectly to this statement. She notes that: "A recent study in the US showed that, of all married senior managers, only two thirds of the married men had children and only one third of the married women had children."

So what is the big play here?

Can anybody really have it all? And even if we don't want it all, who is to say that what we want is cake?

Anybody who knows me is aware of the fact that I like to travel. Anybody who has ever asked me will know that I have no real desire to plant roots anywhere, and start a life in one particular country. I do not tend to define myself by where I am, however I consistently struggle with the definitions forced upon me by where I choose to be, and how long I choose to be there.

At the moment, life is pretty good. I like my job, I have a good home life, and I have plenty of money that I know I will never want for anything. I have tasted professional success to the point that I will soon be relocated to another country to live and work. Career wise this is an amazing opportunity for me; however it means leaving friends and family who are doing nothing but digging their heels in deeper: buying property, getting married, having children... 

It makes me wonder whether, somewhere along the line, the decision will become an inevitable 50/50 split. Will I have to choose between having a great career and a wealth of travel opportunity; and having family?

I spoke about this with another friend. She noted, somewhat non-nonchalantly, that she had relocated to Australia to be with her husband. The choice was hard, but she had wanted a family.

Being faced with angry accusations of "why are you leaving me?" on countless occasions over many years, I cannot help but start to wonder, "why aren't you coming too?"

Within the space of a year, I have lived in three different countries, four different homes, and spent 125 hours mid-air.  I have been on countless dates, and dealt with weddings, pregnancies, engagements, break ups, and breakdowns (only some of which are my own). Through all of this, I have never sat in front of somebody who hasn't questioned why I do what I do. Perhaps this is simply one's way of demonstrating sadness at my departure, but I can't help but be slightly concerned with the fact that it is somehow OK to question a person's decisions to travel, yet it has never been OK to ask someone why they are having a baby, or why they are marrying the guy they have been with since puberty.

What if I want cheese and fruit instead of cake? Should I be subjected to months of tyrannical questions about the validity of fruit, or where fruit will get me when everyone else is tucking into their delicious New York Cheesecake?

Perhaps my maternal instinct will never actually kick in.

Maybe I will die alone with a box of old photographs and travel tickets, and pictures of my pet cats.

But perhaps I will be really fucking happy about it, and all the people that ate the cake will be damn fat and miserable.

-RH

A Letter To My Nineteen-Year-Old Self..

KGUYZ, been a while.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life now and the sense of déjà vu, which is haunting me on a daily basis. I wondered whether I could ever actually get caught in the same situation twice; or whether it would, inevitably, be different.

The second law of thermodynamics gives us an arrow of time, and states that all matter, whatever it is, will change over time. Like humans, stars will die… and everything will eventually cease. Something of low entropy will become a high entropy object, and it cannot go backwards.

So surely I have not gone backwards, and the situations I find myself in are, if only in a small way, different?

This was the inspiration behind the below letter. It is a letter to my nineteen-year-old self. I realized that, if nothing else has changed it is my perspective on the situation, and the way that I deal with the decisions and options before me. My subconscious reaction is ultimately different, and can never go backwards.

Nineteen was an interesting time for me. This is why I felt it important to go back there, and see exactly what has come of it.

A LETTER TO MY NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF:

A little piece of advice in terms of what is coming in the future for you, kid. It’s definitely going to be interesting.

First off, try remembering who you actually are as opposed to who other people think you are, and make you want to be. Other people are a constant source of inspiration, but they shouldn’t define you. From time to time, you’re going to see your entire future in another person, but it simply isn’t the case. It’s because you don’t really know what’s coming and you need to trust something. The best thing you can do is to make this mistake.  You’re going to take the long road, kiddo. You’re going to be that person who learns who they don’t want to be before actually figuring out who you are. It’s OK. This lesson in itself will define you.

You’re going to meet people who just weren’t built from the same stuff as you. Don’t judge them for it. Some of your best friends in the future will be people you never thought you would have anything in common with. Life is about chemistry and understanding. It isn’t about how you grew up or where you came from. You’re going to take a pretty serious point of view on this later in life.

Look back fondly on everything you can still remember. If you can, write stuff down. It’s more than a little embarrassing that you can’t remember all the great memories your friends have. Then again, perhaps it is because the memory bank is filled with so many other wonderful things.

Don’t start smoking. Seriously, it’s gross, and you will fight against it for the rest of your life.

The decisions you make now will change who you are forever. Choose wisely, but don’t let the thought process dominate. Always trust your gut: it will serve you well.

GET ON THE PLANE.

Every time.

Don’t ever take your money for granted.  Sometimes you will make a good amount, and sometimes you will make nothing. Spend money: it will not last forever, but be sure to save some for a rainy day. There are a few rainy days in your future.

Oh, and another thing? You’re going to work in sales. It’s probably going to make you begin to hate all people, but it’s also going to give you a pretty thick skin. You won’t be scared of a ‘no’, and you won’t expect much on a maybe. Your life will become dependent on the black and white: this is not a bad thing. In a few years you will understand the pun behind the negative shades of grey.

Stop taking yourself so seriously: Laugh.

You have years and years ahead of you: Slow down. Don’t rush so much.  You’re just not ready yet and that’s OK.

Listen to bad music, watch awful movies.

And never underestimate the value of helping another person. Nothing is ever worth anything unless you have someone to share it with. Whatever it is that you think you want from your life and from yourself, it will never be what you think it is unless you have family and friends there to stand by you.

Don’t grow up too fast, kid.

Also… remember to moisturize. 

-RH