I Forgot How To Child...

Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I have grown up too fast.

Since I was fifteen, I have been occupied full time. From 15-17 I was in high school and working in a local supermarket. From 17-19 I was in University as a full time law student, and I also worked in the supermarket and the local pub 7 days a week. From here, I moved to the UK and was a door-to-door salesperson for 13 months working 75 hour weeks. I skipped from this into recruitment, to media sales, to Australia, to Canada... never really breaking this stream of constant employment.

I went on vacation to New York when I was 20. I holidayed in Australia when I was 22. Neither of these lasted more than ten days. Any other travel has been done on the weekends.

I catch myself thinking, from time to time, that I never really let myself be young. I never had a casual job or part time employment which wasn't accompanied by a full time occupation. I've never really been unemployed for longer than a few weeks (mainly by choice). Some would say I'm lucky, but as the close of another year approaches I have to sit back and wonder: when over-working is a necessity in your life, is it really very lucky at all?

Living in a student city like I do, and have done in the past, I am surrounded by University Students who fill their time with the following: One or two classes a week; 4-15 hours of work a week; and approx. 148 hours of professional drinking, sleeping, and netflix-watching. Many students do not even need to work at all.

Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to insinuate that students do not work hard. There are many who do. I am merely stating that in the world of student loans, scholarships, and over generous parents, it is increasingly difficult to actually spot a student who behaves like anything other than a 'student'. When does their week become a 50 hour work week? When do they learn to clean? And where the heck does all their money come from when they are a student?!?

I never took that time to be a student. I was in class or studying or working most of the time. Sometimes I managed to find time to sleep.

And you know what? I am jealous of that me because they still have more time than I do now.

Nowadays, I get really uneasy when someone asks me to go out and do something, because I have to think of an excuse other than "I'm tired". My muscles ache and I'm a little bit fat because I don't manage to make the time to go to the gym. Further to this, I have a bad back and have to pretty much schedule a stress-related illness once every month or so.

I am 23 years old. I work 50 hours a week, pay my bills early, and enjoy cleaning my house. I am really excited about Christmas, not because it's Christmas, but because I get close to two weeks off work. My New Years Resolution is to group up my annual leave into one nice long stretch so that I can catch up on 12 months of sleep deprivation.

Did I grow up too quickly? And when is it my turn to be irresponsible, blase, and relaxed?! If I took time off work now, I would never be able to get another job without facing mountains of questions about how and why I have been unemployed for longer than a few weeks. However, all I really want to do is get addicted to a video game and play it for a week straight; or binge watch an old TV show; or learn how to cook or speak another language... Sadly, I think I missed my chance. 

Oh well... only 40-something years to retirement...

- RH


I bitch about this and other things on my TWITTER

THINGS THAT WILL INEVITABLY HAPPEN WHEN YOU MOVE AWAY

1. YOU WILL SPEND A SHIT-TONNE OF MONEY.

Yes, I've checked. 'Shit-tonne' is actually a standardized unit of measurement now. Thanks, Gen-Y. 

For real, though. It isn't even simply the fact that moving costs a lot of money (which it does), but it is that you don't even really know how to look after yourself in a new city. If, heaven forbid, you move to a different country, you will pretty much have to learn how to shop all over again. You will buy the wrong things, shop in the wrong places, and genuinely just waste money for at least a month or two until you learn the vital 'International Skimping' technique. Also, you will probably overspend on things like electric, cable, and everything else until you meet people who can teach you the basics.

2. YOU WILL FALL VICTIM TO DOUCHEBAGGERY (AGAIN)

This is so inevitable I can't even (...)

Here's the thing: We have all done it before. We have all invested time in the unreturned messages; the non existent phone calls; and the people who play a disappearing act for weeks on end (or until they like something that you post on some form of social media). And this isn't just guys. I think girls do it, too. 

But we have all sat around waiting for that person to get bored and text us for a 'hang out', even though we know that as soon as the hangout session is over, we will go back to feeling a little like a used bag of shit.

So why are we going to do this all over again after moving away? It's simple. This feeling (the chase) is so familiar and so concrete: it's almost like you will reach for the only steady thing there is. You will reach for that unreliable (yet gorgeous) person because there is a strange comfort in it. It's almost like they are your way of creating a link to this new place, and even though you deserve better, everything is so rocky that you will settle for it as it is. Don't worry: this too shall pass.

3. YOU WILL SECOND GUESS YOURSELF

You will wonder if you did the right thing, for the right reasons.. and you will wonder where this decision will land you in the next five; ten; even twenty years. Is this going to change the way you view the world? Is this going to change every plan and idea you ever had for who you would be? Is this going to be the making of you?

Most likely, it will do all of those things.

No matter how many times you retrace the thought process that got you to where you are, you will realize that you made this decision for a reason, and that certainly can never be the wrong thing to do. I have always been a firm believer that anytime you are uncomfortable, you are growing into a better and stronger person.

Moving away will MAKE YOU.

4. YOU WILL MISS SOMETHING THAT YOU NEVER EXPECTED TO

So here is a little something about me.

At my parent's home in the Australian countryside, there is a large fence around the entire property. Our dog is like Houdini (or she likes to think she is), so we have to keep this huge metal gate closed at all times. Whenever you leave or arrive, you have to get out of the car, open the gate, get back in, drive through the gate, then close it again. Annoying, huh? And when it's a car full of people, someone always has to volunteer to be the person that gets out of the car and "gets the gate". 

This is the craziest thing.

Since moving away, I really miss that part of my day at 7.30pm when I would get home from work. In the winter it would already be dark, and I would climb out of my car, clutch foot aching from the two hour drive, and I would push the gate open and look at the house. Hot steam would be coming out of the chimney. The lights would be reflecting a dim hue out onto the front yard. And I knew there was a hot meal waiting for me inside, prepared by either one of my parents who would greet me: always eager to find out about my day.

That one moment of stopping the hustle and bustle of everyday life to open the gate, is one of the things I miss the most. And when you move away, it will most likely be something equally as random that sticks in your head as a moment of clarity.

5. YOU WILL FEEL STUPID

What is a social insurance number?

What kind of insurance would I need to go to the dentist?

How do I file my P45?

How many superannuation, renumeration, and pension funds are in my name?

These are all questions that I have asked in the previous few years. Point is, a lot of these questions will be common knowledge to a resident of the country you have moved to. If you turned to a Canadian and said (as I have), "what is a social insurance number?" they will probably look at you like you're from another planet: not because they are mean, but because to them, your homeland IS another planet and they cannot believe you wouldn't have a social insurance system. You probably do, but it is called something different, be it National Insurance, or a Tax File Number (TFN). 

People will tell you how to do things, and assume that you will know the process behind it, even if this is something that is totally foreign to you. Just a few days ago, I was asked for proof of tenant insurance and I was shocked. What was this? And why did I need it? I had never heard of it in my life. Similarly, post dated cheques are something that I had never come across until moving to Canada. And what happened to Universal Healthcare?

Call me stupid all you want: I already feel like a bit of an idiot anyway. 

But its OK. I am learning.

Also, I can flip you off in six different languages.

SO, here's five.

But there are SO MANY MORE things, just waiting for you.

Hop to it.

-RH

By the way, don't forget to follow me on Twitter, HERE

To Men Of Past and Present..

Dear...

Jacob. All the things that you did for me were really nice. The fact that they were rehearsed and revised actions that had been undertaken time and time again is no longer of any relevance. At that moment, they were for me, and I wish I hadn't been so mad about it.

You taught me a lot about what it means to love somebody, and believe in them even if they are slightly ridiculous. You taught me that loving somebody isn't a choice. It happens, and just as it happens, it can go away again.

Damien. I am not sure if you still hate me for the way everything happened, or if you just can't look me in the eye anymore. The things that I did were all for good reason, and I think that you understand that now. I still don't like that you never gave yourself a voice. Thank you for giving me one.

Matthew. You have the nicest face. It isn't that it is stunning, it's that your eyes and your smile made me want to do things I would never even do. And I have done those things, because I wanted to do them with you. I wanted to be the person that could tell you, show you, and teach you everything. I wanted to know you. But I'm not sure you wanted to know me in the same way. I always wondered where you disappeared to. I never told you how I felt though, because I was too scared you would reject me. I was just too scared to lose what I didn't want in order to reach for what I needed. Perhaps I let us both down.

Luke. Maybe I was what you said I was. But the hardest part about being your friend is that you were never the same to me. I actually think I would have died if it wasn't for your consistent, fierce support which genuinely made me believe that barriers can be broken down and people can feel true and genuine love, without being *in love*. Sometimes I hate that you have moved past everything, but then I remember that I am the one who ran.

David. I always thought I would miss you when I went away. I never did. I only ever missed your best friend. I am sorry. 

Marcus. I think we went through something together that neither of us will really understand. There was nothing that ever happened, in any sense, however, I felt changed by you and I'm fairly sure you are the same. It is such a shame to me that when I think of you now, those thoughts are filled with contempt and exhaustion. It makes me think that everyone else must have given up on figuring you out, too.


*Names have been changed in this piece to protect myself, and only myself. Think one of these is about you? Ask me. This may or may not be a piece of fiction

- RH

On Making The Bold Decisions

I just want to put this out there: I think that young people today have it tough. Of course: people in their mid twenties these days have access to more opportunity that ever before. I'm not trying to deny that. We have countless gadgets and systems to make our life easier, and there is more knowledge in the world that is more readily available to anybody who wants to receive it. However, I think with all of that there comes great social responsibility, which, with many young people, leads to greater social anxiety. It is a constant pressure of 'Am I good enough?' 'Do I wear the right clothes?' 'Am I the ideal weight?' 'Have I got enough friends?'

It's a minefield.

Depression rates are up. Suicide rates are up. And it doesn't stop with young people. Just last week, a friend told me that her partner's Uncle had just committed suicide. He was fifty four.

Let me just put this out there. I moved to another country to work a night shift. I didn't really know anybody, and had no idea how I was going to adapt to such a rapid change in lifestyle. I had lived way from home before, however I had anticipated that this would be a little different.

It is.

Along with obvious physical tolls on my body from working such hours, there have been mental and emotional strains that have come with the transition. Trying to assist other people in their transition hasn't helped either. There is a distinct domino affect at play when people aren't happy and it spreads like disease.

So where am I going with this?

The thing is: we are not bound to anywhere, or tied to anything. The greatest thing about the world today is that we are given the freedom to design our own fate. Whatever it is that you're not happy with, there are ways to change it. 

Every day, make one positive effort to better your life.

I recently quit smoking (again) which is a habit that has come in and out of my life for longer that I would be willing to admit. Along with quitting smoking, I also decided to cut back on alcohol. I removed processed foods from my diet, cancelled out majority of my dairy intake, and hired a personal trainer.

Point of this? I have learned that you can never be completely happy emotionally, spiritually, or mentally unless your insides are happy, too.

And I didn't do this all at once. I took small steps to better myself. Even the most miniscule effort towards positive action is the first step in improving your life. Cutting out the dirt, and the things that were making me feel physically uncomfortable, has had a great impact on the way I approach everything else in my life.

Of course, there are still frustrations. There are 'dog days' when it seems that nothing will go right.

I will repeat what I said. We have the power to design our own fate.

Don't waste it.

20 Things To Do Before You Hit 25...

It is a bucket list, of sorts... I have done all of these things and they have all changed my life in some way. I have come to believe that all of these things are somewhat essential in this whole 'growing up' thing.


1. Get on a bus or a train with no destination. Get off when your money runs out, or you reach the end of the line. You never know what you'll find

2. Work a service job. This will teach you the value of a dollar; a friendly hello; and a grateful goodbye

3. Open a savings account. Save a small amount every single week. This could be anything from $10 to $50 -- but refrain from taking money out of it. You never know when you're going to need it.

4. Read a book. At least one, each year. Make it something that challenges you.

5. Kiss a stranger. Don't get their name. Don't get their number. 

6. Learn to say 'no'.

7. Find something that makes you feel talented and unique, and do it ALL THE TIME.

8. Go to the cinema, to a restaurant, or to see your favourite band completely alone. 

9. Find a way to differentiate between the people who are in your life because you want them there, and people who are in your life because they never left. Get rid of the people who weigh you down: those who make you feel unworthy or undeserving. Realize that time spent alone is a hundred times better than time spent with those who make you want to hurl all down yourself.

10. Start taking yourself seriously. Your twenties are not the between time for 'figuring things out'. It's OK if you don't have things figured out yet (99% of people don't), but that doesn't mean that you're up for ten wasted years until you hit thirty and can reasonably have an existential crisis. 

11. Embrace the pain. Suffering is universal. You have to be open to the suffering to even give yourself even the slightest shot in hell at happiness: and most likely, you will never get one without some degree of the other.

12. Understand that travel is the only thing you can buy that will make you richer. That Louis Vuitton bag or Chanel lipstick are not going to enrich your life the way you imagine.

13. Own a pet. Or a plant. Take responsibility for something other than yourself.

14. Live alone, in your own apartment

15. Be unemployed - if only for a week

16. Party until the sun comes up: get breakfast on your way home. Also...

17. Go to a world famous party. Be it Oktoberfest, Mardi Gras, Carnaval, Ibiza… I don't care. Just go to one to understand the feeling of mass enthusiasm.

18. Learn how to cook. At least one thing.

19. Write someone a love letter with a pen and a piece of paper: not a keyboard and a gmail account.

20. On a similar note: Write yourself a letter to open in ten years time. Include your passions, goals, and expectations for the future: both for yourself personally, and the world around you. That way, you can still surprise yourself when you're pushing 40.


- RH

An Ode To Those Who Do Not Want Cake

"You cannot have your cake and eat it too"... 

According to very trustworthy sources, this old English proverb was initially coined to insinuate that one cannot (and should not) lust for more than they already have and deserve. Problematic, here, is the fact that what we want and deserve can be two very different things.

Nowadays, people tend to use this term to apply to the age old question: can anyone actually have it all?

One whimsical afternoon I had a very in depth conversation with an extremely wise friend. The friend was caught in some sort of transitional period in life and was in a consistent state of reminiscence: thinking about decisions which had been made in the past, and what could have been different. My friend wondered, "had I not chosen the path of marriage and children  would I have reached my artistic and creative climax by now?"

I was stuck for a response. The thought had crossed my mind.

Sheryl Sandberg is the COO of Facebook, and might I add, a very wise woman. She did an amazing speech for Ted Talks on why the world has few too many women leaders, which I believe can be applied perfectly to this statement. She notes that: "A recent study in the US showed that, of all married senior managers, only two thirds of the married men had children and only one third of the married women had children."

So what is the big play here?

Can anybody really have it all? And even if we don't want it all, who is to say that what we want is cake?

Anybody who knows me is aware of the fact that I like to travel. Anybody who has ever asked me will know that I have no real desire to plant roots anywhere, and start a life in one particular country. I do not tend to define myself by where I am, however I consistently struggle with the definitions forced upon me by where I choose to be, and how long I choose to be there.

At the moment, life is pretty good. I like my job, I have a good home life, and I have plenty of money that I know I will never want for anything. I have tasted professional success to the point that I will soon be relocated to another country to live and work. Career wise this is an amazing opportunity for me; however it means leaving friends and family who are doing nothing but digging their heels in deeper: buying property, getting married, having children... 

It makes me wonder whether, somewhere along the line, the decision will become an inevitable 50/50 split. Will I have to choose between having a great career and a wealth of travel opportunity; and having family?

I spoke about this with another friend. She noted, somewhat non-nonchalantly, that she had relocated to Australia to be with her husband. The choice was hard, but she had wanted a family.

Being faced with angry accusations of "why are you leaving me?" on countless occasions over many years, I cannot help but start to wonder, "why aren't you coming too?"

Within the space of a year, I have lived in three different countries, four different homes, and spent 125 hours mid-air.  I have been on countless dates, and dealt with weddings, pregnancies, engagements, break ups, and breakdowns (only some of which are my own). Through all of this, I have never sat in front of somebody who hasn't questioned why I do what I do. Perhaps this is simply one's way of demonstrating sadness at my departure, but I can't help but be slightly concerned with the fact that it is somehow OK to question a person's decisions to travel, yet it has never been OK to ask someone why they are having a baby, or why they are marrying the guy they have been with since puberty.

What if I want cheese and fruit instead of cake? Should I be subjected to months of tyrannical questions about the validity of fruit, or where fruit will get me when everyone else is tucking into their delicious New York Cheesecake?

Perhaps my maternal instinct will never actually kick in.

Maybe I will die alone with a box of old photographs and travel tickets, and pictures of my pet cats.

But perhaps I will be really fucking happy about it, and all the people that ate the cake will be damn fat and miserable.

-RH

A Letter To My Nineteen-Year-Old Self..

KGUYZ, been a while.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life now and the sense of déjà vu, which is haunting me on a daily basis. I wondered whether I could ever actually get caught in the same situation twice; or whether it would, inevitably, be different.

The second law of thermodynamics gives us an arrow of time, and states that all matter, whatever it is, will change over time. Like humans, stars will die… and everything will eventually cease. Something of low entropy will become a high entropy object, and it cannot go backwards.

So surely I have not gone backwards, and the situations I find myself in are, if only in a small way, different?

This was the inspiration behind the below letter. It is a letter to my nineteen-year-old self. I realized that, if nothing else has changed it is my perspective on the situation, and the way that I deal with the decisions and options before me. My subconscious reaction is ultimately different, and can never go backwards.

Nineteen was an interesting time for me. This is why I felt it important to go back there, and see exactly what has come of it.

A LETTER TO MY NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF:

A little piece of advice in terms of what is coming in the future for you, kid. It’s definitely going to be interesting.

First off, try remembering who you actually are as opposed to who other people think you are, and make you want to be. Other people are a constant source of inspiration, but they shouldn’t define you. From time to time, you’re going to see your entire future in another person, but it simply isn’t the case. It’s because you don’t really know what’s coming and you need to trust something. The best thing you can do is to make this mistake.  You’re going to take the long road, kiddo. You’re going to be that person who learns who they don’t want to be before actually figuring out who you are. It’s OK. This lesson in itself will define you.

You’re going to meet people who just weren’t built from the same stuff as you. Don’t judge them for it. Some of your best friends in the future will be people you never thought you would have anything in common with. Life is about chemistry and understanding. It isn’t about how you grew up or where you came from. You’re going to take a pretty serious point of view on this later in life.

Look back fondly on everything you can still remember. If you can, write stuff down. It’s more than a little embarrassing that you can’t remember all the great memories your friends have. Then again, perhaps it is because the memory bank is filled with so many other wonderful things.

Don’t start smoking. Seriously, it’s gross, and you will fight against it for the rest of your life.

The decisions you make now will change who you are forever. Choose wisely, but don’t let the thought process dominate. Always trust your gut: it will serve you well.

GET ON THE PLANE.

Every time.

Don’t ever take your money for granted.  Sometimes you will make a good amount, and sometimes you will make nothing. Spend money: it will not last forever, but be sure to save some for a rainy day. There are a few rainy days in your future.

Oh, and another thing? You’re going to work in sales. It’s probably going to make you begin to hate all people, but it’s also going to give you a pretty thick skin. You won’t be scared of a ‘no’, and you won’t expect much on a maybe. Your life will become dependent on the black and white: this is not a bad thing. In a few years you will understand the pun behind the negative shades of grey.

Stop taking yourself so seriously: Laugh.

You have years and years ahead of you: Slow down. Don’t rush so much.  You’re just not ready yet and that’s OK.

Listen to bad music, watch awful movies.

And never underestimate the value of helping another person. Nothing is ever worth anything unless you have someone to share it with. Whatever it is that you think you want from your life and from yourself, it will never be what you think it is unless you have family and friends there to stand by you.

Don’t grow up too fast, kid.

Also… remember to moisturize. 

-RH