Are Nice Guys Even In The Race?

"On why they finish last..."

It seems that wherever we go and whoever we surround ourselves with, conversation is always going to inevitably turn to love, lust, and relationships. This has never been a topic I have been extremely comfortable in discussing unless under the influence of enough alcohol to soften the brutal honesty with which I must approach this.

Admittedly, I am not the best mascot for love. I don't do romance, marriage, PDAs.. I barely even like holding hands (seriously?! You're sweating ON EACH OTHER)

Anyway.

When talking about love with male friends, I seem to be constantly bombarded with the question, 'What is wrong with you women? You all say you want a nice guy, and yet you date total assholes?!'

Gotta hand it to you, fellas. You're damn perceptive.

The truth is, it has taken me a really long time to try and form some sort of suitable answer to this. Whenever I get asked, I tend to just chuckle and shrug it off like I hadn't actually noticed, when in reality I spend most of my time fixating on morons and being completely oblivious to the advances of the genuinely nice guys who tend to lurk in the back of my mind. Don't get me wrong: I have been on dates with nice guys. I have let them take me to dinner, to the movies... And yet have always left the end of the night feeling like I just got smacked in the face by the politeness stick and feeling completely and utterly disinterested.

So what is it that switches off in a woman when she realizes that the guy she is going out with is nice? What is it that suddenly makes this man so unattractive, and somewhat un-dateable? And is this really a thing? Are nice guys done for?

Enough questions. It's time for some answers. Here are the ABCs of why nice guys appear to be finishing last.

1. The Availability clause.

I once went out on a date with a really nice guy. He was great on paper, had a good job, was good-looking, intelligent, and even made me laugh. Telling friends about him they thought I had hit the jackpot. After our date, which fell on a Thursday, he sent me a text message asking if he could see me again that Saturday. Playing it cool, I replied with a maybe. He later told me that he had made a reservation at a champagne bar down town, and he would meet me there at 8pm. Intrigued by his confidence, I went. He spent the night being himself, and generally doting on most things I said and did. The next morning, he texted me again asking if he could see me again soon. Instantly I knew I would never go out with him again.

Over time, it has become embedded in someone that something which is scarce and difficult to find has more value than something that is easily attainable. Diamonds, gold, mink... Things we see of higher value than something like wood. Truth is, wood is everywhere. Paper is everywhere. This is why we would rather the diamonds.

The same applies to men. If they are too available to us, they lose value. While playing it hot or cold is not great either, a man ideally has a subtle balance yet knows when to strike.

2. The Boss clause

Truth be told, a woman is an argumentative creature. We like to argue, and like to win. One of the reasons I went to law school was because I fancied my self a little too much as a defensive conversationalist.  And the great thing about the bad boy? They have the confidence to fight back.

Now, I’m not saying that women want to be argued with, dismissed, and told they are wrong consistently and to no avail. This is the ultimate turn-off. The nice guy, however, can have a tendency to be a little too agreeable around the female species. A guy once asked me out by saying, “I want to take you for a drink. If you don’t want to come with me, that’s fine. I’ll just ask you again tomorrow on the off chance you have come to your senses.”

The next day, he asked me again. On the third try I let him buy me a beer.

Mr Agreeable habitually asks a girl out once, gets rejected, and goes off to wallow in a corner about not even running the same race as the jerks, and never having a shot in hell. While the guy might have the confidence to ask once, he doesn’t believe fully in his ability to win the battle. The follow through is almost non-existent.  For women, this just ruins the game.

To tell a female secret; as much as we might pretend to hate the guys who play the game, we enjoy it just as much as they do. We LOVE the thrill of ‘why isn’t he texting me back straight away?’ and most of us harbour a secret desire to win the upper hand – to be chased. Saying yes on the first request ruins the chase: and guess what Mr Nice Guy? It ruins your chances too. Sorry!

3. The Chemistry clause

To put it simply: women quite often just aren’t attracted to nice guys. They don’t have any sexual chemistry with them. I’ve dated a few really sweet guys and have hated myself for having to tell them I’d rather be friends. Because, the truth is, I could only ever see myself being their friend. Yeah: they got LJBF’d.

Genetically (and this is going back a good few years) women were drawn to the hunter-gatherer: the man who could go out and provide for the family by any means necessary. The man was the predator: strong, rough, and ready. Not all women are looking for that these days (look at Liz Hurley! She’s dating Shane Warne!!) but there still has to be that element of ‘I don’t mind getting my hands dirty or my feet wet if needs be’. A strong, confident man will always let off an aroma of ‘don’t worry, I will look after you, and I know what I’m doing (in EVERY way)’ – the bad boy offers this (AND THEN SOME!!)

Besides, it doesn’t hurt to have a big ball of charm up your sleeve: and the bad boy always seems to know exactly what to say.

BUT DO NOT TAKE THIS AS BIBLE

I am no expert (am I?)

-RH

I'd like to add a disclaimer here. I do believe the nice guy can get the girl, and I believe that more often than not, the nice guy deserves the girl a lot more than anything else. I am just trying to dissect social protocol.

A Letter To My Nineteen-Year-Old Self..

KGUYZ, been a while.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life now and the sense of déjà vu, which is haunting me on a daily basis. I wondered whether I could ever actually get caught in the same situation twice; or whether it would, inevitably, be different.

The second law of thermodynamics gives us an arrow of time, and states that all matter, whatever it is, will change over time. Like humans, stars will die… and everything will eventually cease. Something of low entropy will become a high entropy object, and it cannot go backwards.

So surely I have not gone backwards, and the situations I find myself in are, if only in a small way, different?

This was the inspiration behind the below letter. It is a letter to my nineteen-year-old self. I realized that, if nothing else has changed it is my perspective on the situation, and the way that I deal with the decisions and options before me. My subconscious reaction is ultimately different, and can never go backwards.

Nineteen was an interesting time for me. This is why I felt it important to go back there, and see exactly what has come of it.

A LETTER TO MY NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF:

A little piece of advice in terms of what is coming in the future for you, kid. It’s definitely going to be interesting.

First off, try remembering who you actually are as opposed to who other people think you are, and make you want to be. Other people are a constant source of inspiration, but they shouldn’t define you. From time to time, you’re going to see your entire future in another person, but it simply isn’t the case. It’s because you don’t really know what’s coming and you need to trust something. The best thing you can do is to make this mistake.  You’re going to take the long road, kiddo. You’re going to be that person who learns who they don’t want to be before actually figuring out who you are. It’s OK. This lesson in itself will define you.

You’re going to meet people who just weren’t built from the same stuff as you. Don’t judge them for it. Some of your best friends in the future will be people you never thought you would have anything in common with. Life is about chemistry and understanding. It isn’t about how you grew up or where you came from. You’re going to take a pretty serious point of view on this later in life.

Look back fondly on everything you can still remember. If you can, write stuff down. It’s more than a little embarrassing that you can’t remember all the great memories your friends have. Then again, perhaps it is because the memory bank is filled with so many other wonderful things.

Don’t start smoking. Seriously, it’s gross, and you will fight against it for the rest of your life.

The decisions you make now will change who you are forever. Choose wisely, but don’t let the thought process dominate. Always trust your gut: it will serve you well.

GET ON THE PLANE.

Every time.

Don’t ever take your money for granted.  Sometimes you will make a good amount, and sometimes you will make nothing. Spend money: it will not last forever, but be sure to save some for a rainy day. There are a few rainy days in your future.

Oh, and another thing? You’re going to work in sales. It’s probably going to make you begin to hate all people, but it’s also going to give you a pretty thick skin. You won’t be scared of a ‘no’, and you won’t expect much on a maybe. Your life will become dependent on the black and white: this is not a bad thing. In a few years you will understand the pun behind the negative shades of grey.

Stop taking yourself so seriously: Laugh.

You have years and years ahead of you: Slow down. Don’t rush so much.  You’re just not ready yet and that’s OK.

Listen to bad music, watch awful movies.

And never underestimate the value of helping another person. Nothing is ever worth anything unless you have someone to share it with. Whatever it is that you think you want from your life and from yourself, it will never be what you think it is unless you have family and friends there to stand by you.

Don’t grow up too fast, kid.

Also… remember to moisturize. 

-RH