Is It Just Me?

People who know me will also know that I have done a lot of travelling, I have lived in the UK, Australia, and Canada, and within England alone I had the pleasure of calling five different cities home. I have also worked a multitude of different jobs, all within highly social industries. This means that I am fortunate enough to have friends all over the globe.

Despite the fact that I could pretty much go anywhere and I'd be guaranteed to know somebody, I really really like doing things by myself. I will go to the cinema; restaurants; and even travelling absolutely bare balled alone. It gives me time to think, time to write, and time to plan my next adventure (because you know there will be one).

I have always noticed, though, that there is particular stigma against people who are going it alone (particularly young people). Last night I went into a restaurant and asked for a table for dinner. The waitress looked at me and asked "is it just you?" in an all too questioning manner. I got the impression that what she wanted to say was, 'where is your husband? Boyfriend? Best friend? Mother…?' She soon noticed her instinctual tone, though, and she almost winced and smiled at me. I gave her a reassuring look. "Yes. It's just me." 

A quick google search gives me 3.9 million hits on the term: "A Guide To Dining Alone".  Because heaven forbid if we do it wrong… Some of my favourite advice I found was "Ask for the cheque before you finish eating, that way you do not have to sit alone for too long". 

Why not just go to McDonalds if you're after fast food? That way, you don't even have to get out of the car, and nobody will actually know that those 24 McNuggets and 3 Cheeseburgers are all for you, YOU SAD CAT.

Back in the restaurant (which thankfully is far from my imagination) the waitress seated me, and the table next to me was occupied by a couple who looked to be in their early thirties, both dressed nicely as if they were on a date. Both of them were concentrating wistfully on their cell phones, and did not speak a word to each other. Years ago, this would have been considered the height of rudeness, but now I was the one being judged for dining solo?

Is being comfortable in your own company the new taboo?

And so what happens if, by my own choice or circumstance, I do not have a significant other in my life to dine with: am I supposed to sit at home and order a pizza while I watch 'He's Just Not That Into You' on repeat?

I mean, sure, there are times when I catch myself thinking, 'It would be great if there was someone here with me, because I'd really like to order a lobster dinner but I don't actually know how to eat it'. And it definitely would be handy to have someone in the passenger seat of the car to say: 'Rachel, you're on the wrong side of the road..' or, 'Honey! Eyes front and centre!', but this surely shouldn't define me as a person.

Yet, to these servers I am apparently the girl who dines alone. There is nothing else to me.

By the way, I have to share more advice from these 'Dining Alone Guides'. Obviously, one should always take work papers or a book with them, because it is just the worst thing in the world if you are to sit there without something to occupy your hands (It is not enough anymore to be occupied by your own thoughts and reflections on your day). Also, it is suggested that we do just order takeaway or have a sandwich in the park because then we can avoid the whole 'being alone' fiasco and we won't alarm other diners. 

Maybe one day I will go out to a lobster dinner with someone who actually knows how to eat the beast (and I will rip it to shreds) , and perhaps I will take a trip with someone who gets endless pleasure out of the fact that I keep confusing the driver and passenger sides of the car…

Until then, I'm pretty happy. Not only do I have amazing friends, but I am also not riddled with the self doubt that stops me from going out alone. I don't have to share these memories if I don't want to: I can keep them all to myself.

-RH 

I TWEET

A Poem...

20 Things To Do Before You Hit 25...

It is a bucket list, of sorts... I have done all of these things and they have all changed my life in some way. I have come to believe that all of these things are somewhat essential in this whole 'growing up' thing.


1. Get on a bus or a train with no destination. Get off when your money runs out, or you reach the end of the line. You never know what you'll find

2. Work a service job. This will teach you the value of a dollar; a friendly hello; and a grateful goodbye

3. Open a savings account. Save a small amount every single week. This could be anything from $10 to $50 -- but refrain from taking money out of it. You never know when you're going to need it.

4. Read a book. At least one, each year. Make it something that challenges you.

5. Kiss a stranger. Don't get their name. Don't get their number. 

6. Learn to say 'no'.

7. Find something that makes you feel talented and unique, and do it ALL THE TIME.

8. Go to the cinema, to a restaurant, or to see your favourite band completely alone. 

9. Find a way to differentiate between the people who are in your life because you want them there, and people who are in your life because they never left. Get rid of the people who weigh you down: those who make you feel unworthy or undeserving. Realize that time spent alone is a hundred times better than time spent with those who make you want to hurl all down yourself.

10. Start taking yourself seriously. Your twenties are not the between time for 'figuring things out'. It's OK if you don't have things figured out yet (99% of people don't), but that doesn't mean that you're up for ten wasted years until you hit thirty and can reasonably have an existential crisis. 

11. Embrace the pain. Suffering is universal. You have to be open to the suffering to even give yourself even the slightest shot in hell at happiness: and most likely, you will never get one without some degree of the other.

12. Understand that travel is the only thing you can buy that will make you richer. That Louis Vuitton bag or Chanel lipstick are not going to enrich your life the way you imagine.

13. Own a pet. Or a plant. Take responsibility for something other than yourself.

14. Live alone, in your own apartment

15. Be unemployed - if only for a week

16. Party until the sun comes up: get breakfast on your way home. Also...

17. Go to a world famous party. Be it Oktoberfest, Mardi Gras, Carnaval, Ibiza… I don't care. Just go to one to understand the feeling of mass enthusiasm.

18. Learn how to cook. At least one thing.

19. Write someone a love letter with a pen and a piece of paper: not a keyboard and a gmail account.

20. On a similar note: Write yourself a letter to open in ten years time. Include your passions, goals, and expectations for the future: both for yourself personally, and the world around you. That way, you can still surprise yourself when you're pushing 40.


- RH

Why Aren't We Living Our Dreams?

Ask any child what they want to be when they grow up, and they will probably deliver you a clear and concise answer within 20 seconds.  Ask the same question of a teen and they will also deliver you a clear and concise idea of their dreams and aspirations of the future. The most inspiring thing will be the passion with which they tell you exactly what they want from their life.

Ask an adult what their dreams and goals are for the future, and you will inevitably be given a different response. In most cases, you will receive a watered down, filtered version of a fragment of everything they wanted to be ten years ago.

Why does this happen? For many of us, reality kicks in and the desires we once had seem to us to be delusions of grandeur and entirely unattainable. We somehow place our deepest desires in the 'too hard basket' and end up settling for some sort of comfortable alternative.

This has crossed my mind quite frequently lately. I wonder what happened to my own delusions of grandeur, and how the desires I harboured so closely have become somewhat distant memories.

I realised that the desire is still there. If I search for it, then it is actually stronger than ever.

But why aren't we going after our dreams? Is it, in this modern world, something that is just too difficult? Why are we being watered down by concerns about money, freedom, and personal comfort?

Sometimes I wonder and I ask myself what I would do if I wasn't afraid. How would my life be different if I wasn't worried about the financial side of things? Is it really money that is holding us back from our dreams, or is it deeper than that? Are we actually just afraid of the way we will be perceived if we throw away all levels of comfort and security on what people might perceive as a whim?

I seem to be asking a lot of questions, but don't really have the answers to any of them.

I take a lot of chances by moving countries, yet I am somehow moving from one safety net to another. My decisions are calculated and almost cold. When I really think about it, most of the decisions I have made have been purely financial. What decision will make me the most money, give me the most freedom, and ultimately benefit my comfortable life in the long term?

The truth is that money will look after itself. If it really comes down to it, then we will find a way to keep ourselves alive. It's instinctual. 

All it takes is the courage to take that first step. Those who support you are in your life for a reason. Those who judge you, don't have the right to do so anyway.

It sounds cliche, but I believe in the power of dreams. I believe that with enough hard work, anybody can achieve anything that they want to.

They only have to be brave enough to throw themselves into it.

An Ode To Those Who Do Not Want Cake

"You cannot have your cake and eat it too"... 

According to very trustworthy sources, this old English proverb was initially coined to insinuate that one cannot (and should not) lust for more than they already have and deserve. Problematic, here, is the fact that what we want and deserve can be two very different things.

Nowadays, people tend to use this term to apply to the age old question: can anyone actually have it all?

One whimsical afternoon I had a very in depth conversation with an extremely wise friend. The friend was caught in some sort of transitional period in life and was in a consistent state of reminiscence: thinking about decisions which had been made in the past, and what could have been different. My friend wondered, "had I not chosen the path of marriage and children  would I have reached my artistic and creative climax by now?"

I was stuck for a response. The thought had crossed my mind.

Sheryl Sandberg is the COO of Facebook, and might I add, a very wise woman. She did an amazing speech for Ted Talks on why the world has few too many women leaders, which I believe can be applied perfectly to this statement. She notes that: "A recent study in the US showed that, of all married senior managers, only two thirds of the married men had children and only one third of the married women had children."

So what is the big play here?

Can anybody really have it all? And even if we don't want it all, who is to say that what we want is cake?

Anybody who knows me is aware of the fact that I like to travel. Anybody who has ever asked me will know that I have no real desire to plant roots anywhere, and start a life in one particular country. I do not tend to define myself by where I am, however I consistently struggle with the definitions forced upon me by where I choose to be, and how long I choose to be there.

At the moment, life is pretty good. I like my job, I have a good home life, and I have plenty of money that I know I will never want for anything. I have tasted professional success to the point that I will soon be relocated to another country to live and work. Career wise this is an amazing opportunity for me; however it means leaving friends and family who are doing nothing but digging their heels in deeper: buying property, getting married, having children... 

It makes me wonder whether, somewhere along the line, the decision will become an inevitable 50/50 split. Will I have to choose between having a great career and a wealth of travel opportunity; and having family?

I spoke about this with another friend. She noted, somewhat non-nonchalantly, that she had relocated to Australia to be with her husband. The choice was hard, but she had wanted a family.

Being faced with angry accusations of "why are you leaving me?" on countless occasions over many years, I cannot help but start to wonder, "why aren't you coming too?"

Within the space of a year, I have lived in three different countries, four different homes, and spent 125 hours mid-air.  I have been on countless dates, and dealt with weddings, pregnancies, engagements, break ups, and breakdowns (only some of which are my own). Through all of this, I have never sat in front of somebody who hasn't questioned why I do what I do. Perhaps this is simply one's way of demonstrating sadness at my departure, but I can't help but be slightly concerned with the fact that it is somehow OK to question a person's decisions to travel, yet it has never been OK to ask someone why they are having a baby, or why they are marrying the guy they have been with since puberty.

What if I want cheese and fruit instead of cake? Should I be subjected to months of tyrannical questions about the validity of fruit, or where fruit will get me when everyone else is tucking into their delicious New York Cheesecake?

Perhaps my maternal instinct will never actually kick in.

Maybe I will die alone with a box of old photographs and travel tickets, and pictures of my pet cats.

But perhaps I will be really fucking happy about it, and all the people that ate the cake will be damn fat and miserable.

-RH

A Letter To My Nineteen-Year-Old Self..

KGUYZ, been a while.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life now and the sense of déjà vu, which is haunting me on a daily basis. I wondered whether I could ever actually get caught in the same situation twice; or whether it would, inevitably, be different.

The second law of thermodynamics gives us an arrow of time, and states that all matter, whatever it is, will change over time. Like humans, stars will die… and everything will eventually cease. Something of low entropy will become a high entropy object, and it cannot go backwards.

So surely I have not gone backwards, and the situations I find myself in are, if only in a small way, different?

This was the inspiration behind the below letter. It is a letter to my nineteen-year-old self. I realized that, if nothing else has changed it is my perspective on the situation, and the way that I deal with the decisions and options before me. My subconscious reaction is ultimately different, and can never go backwards.

Nineteen was an interesting time for me. This is why I felt it important to go back there, and see exactly what has come of it.

A LETTER TO MY NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF:

A little piece of advice in terms of what is coming in the future for you, kid. It’s definitely going to be interesting.

First off, try remembering who you actually are as opposed to who other people think you are, and make you want to be. Other people are a constant source of inspiration, but they shouldn’t define you. From time to time, you’re going to see your entire future in another person, but it simply isn’t the case. It’s because you don’t really know what’s coming and you need to trust something. The best thing you can do is to make this mistake.  You’re going to take the long road, kiddo. You’re going to be that person who learns who they don’t want to be before actually figuring out who you are. It’s OK. This lesson in itself will define you.

You’re going to meet people who just weren’t built from the same stuff as you. Don’t judge them for it. Some of your best friends in the future will be people you never thought you would have anything in common with. Life is about chemistry and understanding. It isn’t about how you grew up or where you came from. You’re going to take a pretty serious point of view on this later in life.

Look back fondly on everything you can still remember. If you can, write stuff down. It’s more than a little embarrassing that you can’t remember all the great memories your friends have. Then again, perhaps it is because the memory bank is filled with so many other wonderful things.

Don’t start smoking. Seriously, it’s gross, and you will fight against it for the rest of your life.

The decisions you make now will change who you are forever. Choose wisely, but don’t let the thought process dominate. Always trust your gut: it will serve you well.

GET ON THE PLANE.

Every time.

Don’t ever take your money for granted.  Sometimes you will make a good amount, and sometimes you will make nothing. Spend money: it will not last forever, but be sure to save some for a rainy day. There are a few rainy days in your future.

Oh, and another thing? You’re going to work in sales. It’s probably going to make you begin to hate all people, but it’s also going to give you a pretty thick skin. You won’t be scared of a ‘no’, and you won’t expect much on a maybe. Your life will become dependent on the black and white: this is not a bad thing. In a few years you will understand the pun behind the negative shades of grey.

Stop taking yourself so seriously: Laugh.

You have years and years ahead of you: Slow down. Don’t rush so much.  You’re just not ready yet and that’s OK.

Listen to bad music, watch awful movies.

And never underestimate the value of helping another person. Nothing is ever worth anything unless you have someone to share it with. Whatever it is that you think you want from your life and from yourself, it will never be what you think it is unless you have family and friends there to stand by you.

Don’t grow up too fast, kid.

Also… remember to moisturize. 

-RH