Is It Just Me?

People who know me will also know that I have done a lot of travelling, I have lived in the UK, Australia, and Canada, and within England alone I had the pleasure of calling five different cities home. I have also worked a multitude of different jobs, all within highly social industries. This means that I am fortunate enough to have friends all over the globe.

Despite the fact that I could pretty much go anywhere and I'd be guaranteed to know somebody, I really really like doing things by myself. I will go to the cinema; restaurants; and even travelling absolutely bare balled alone. It gives me time to think, time to write, and time to plan my next adventure (because you know there will be one).

I have always noticed, though, that there is particular stigma against people who are going it alone (particularly young people). Last night I went into a restaurant and asked for a table for dinner. The waitress looked at me and asked "is it just you?" in an all too questioning manner. I got the impression that what she wanted to say was, 'where is your husband? Boyfriend? Best friend? Mother…?' She soon noticed her instinctual tone, though, and she almost winced and smiled at me. I gave her a reassuring look. "Yes. It's just me." 

A quick google search gives me 3.9 million hits on the term: "A Guide To Dining Alone".  Because heaven forbid if we do it wrong… Some of my favourite advice I found was "Ask for the cheque before you finish eating, that way you do not have to sit alone for too long". 

Why not just go to McDonalds if you're after fast food? That way, you don't even have to get out of the car, and nobody will actually know that those 24 McNuggets and 3 Cheeseburgers are all for you, YOU SAD CAT.

Back in the restaurant (which thankfully is far from my imagination) the waitress seated me, and the table next to me was occupied by a couple who looked to be in their early thirties, both dressed nicely as if they were on a date. Both of them were concentrating wistfully on their cell phones, and did not speak a word to each other. Years ago, this would have been considered the height of rudeness, but now I was the one being judged for dining solo?

Is being comfortable in your own company the new taboo?

And so what happens if, by my own choice or circumstance, I do not have a significant other in my life to dine with: am I supposed to sit at home and order a pizza while I watch 'He's Just Not That Into You' on repeat?

I mean, sure, there are times when I catch myself thinking, 'It would be great if there was someone here with me, because I'd really like to order a lobster dinner but I don't actually know how to eat it'. And it definitely would be handy to have someone in the passenger seat of the car to say: 'Rachel, you're on the wrong side of the road..' or, 'Honey! Eyes front and centre!', but this surely shouldn't define me as a person.

Yet, to these servers I am apparently the girl who dines alone. There is nothing else to me.

By the way, I have to share more advice from these 'Dining Alone Guides'. Obviously, one should always take work papers or a book with them, because it is just the worst thing in the world if you are to sit there without something to occupy your hands (It is not enough anymore to be occupied by your own thoughts and reflections on your day). Also, it is suggested that we do just order takeaway or have a sandwich in the park because then we can avoid the whole 'being alone' fiasco and we won't alarm other diners. 

Maybe one day I will go out to a lobster dinner with someone who actually knows how to eat the beast (and I will rip it to shreds) , and perhaps I will take a trip with someone who gets endless pleasure out of the fact that I keep confusing the driver and passenger sides of the car…

Until then, I'm pretty happy. Not only do I have amazing friends, but I am also not riddled with the self doubt that stops me from going out alone. I don't have to share these memories if I don't want to: I can keep them all to myself.

-RH 

I TWEET

On Making The Bold Decisions

I just want to put this out there: I think that young people today have it tough. Of course: people in their mid twenties these days have access to more opportunity that ever before. I'm not trying to deny that. We have countless gadgets and systems to make our life easier, and there is more knowledge in the world that is more readily available to anybody who wants to receive it. However, I think with all of that there comes great social responsibility, which, with many young people, leads to greater social anxiety. It is a constant pressure of 'Am I good enough?' 'Do I wear the right clothes?' 'Am I the ideal weight?' 'Have I got enough friends?'

It's a minefield.

Depression rates are up. Suicide rates are up. And it doesn't stop with young people. Just last week, a friend told me that her partner's Uncle had just committed suicide. He was fifty four.

Let me just put this out there. I moved to another country to work a night shift. I didn't really know anybody, and had no idea how I was going to adapt to such a rapid change in lifestyle. I had lived way from home before, however I had anticipated that this would be a little different.

It is.

Along with obvious physical tolls on my body from working such hours, there have been mental and emotional strains that have come with the transition. Trying to assist other people in their transition hasn't helped either. There is a distinct domino affect at play when people aren't happy and it spreads like disease.

So where am I going with this?

The thing is: we are not bound to anywhere, or tied to anything. The greatest thing about the world today is that we are given the freedom to design our own fate. Whatever it is that you're not happy with, there are ways to change it. 

Every day, make one positive effort to better your life.

I recently quit smoking (again) which is a habit that has come in and out of my life for longer that I would be willing to admit. Along with quitting smoking, I also decided to cut back on alcohol. I removed processed foods from my diet, cancelled out majority of my dairy intake, and hired a personal trainer.

Point of this? I have learned that you can never be completely happy emotionally, spiritually, or mentally unless your insides are happy, too.

And I didn't do this all at once. I took small steps to better myself. Even the most miniscule effort towards positive action is the first step in improving your life. Cutting out the dirt, and the things that were making me feel physically uncomfortable, has had a great impact on the way I approach everything else in my life.

Of course, there are still frustrations. There are 'dog days' when it seems that nothing will go right.

I will repeat what I said. We have the power to design our own fate.

Don't waste it.

An Open Letter To Nobody In Particular

Hey kid,

Crazy times, huh? It's 4am and I'm sitting starting to think about writing again. It seems that at times like these, the only coping mechanism is really to write it all down. If I don't I can't even really begin to dissect my own thoughts and understand why things happen the way they do.

See sometimes I stop and I think about the amount of time we spend wishing that things were different: like we spend our entire day whittling away over a petty little pursuit of something bigger, faster, better in some way. The truth is you will always miss someone or something, and probably always wish that even the smallest thing in your life was just a little bit different. The happiest people I've ever met are somewhat nonchalant and directionless.

Then I realize that I'm thinking about thinking and doing nothing at all.

If I'm going to be totally honest with you, things are looking slightly awry. It's the humanity of it all: the fact that all of us have to die in some sense or another in order to actually live. Whenever I disappoint the people I care about I die a little more inside. Toss it away: Be vicarious, victorious and brave! Triumph! And then laugh at the triviality of the fact that you spent so much time wondering and nothing ever came to be.

I woke up this morning with a pounding headache and I knew that the wine was to blame. I lay for a while in the dust thrown up by my own indecision and thought about the consequences of whatever it was that happened to me in the last 24 hours. I thought until my mind hurt and that's when I started to write. I know I've taken the long road with all of this, kid. You don't need to tell me twice. I always kinda figured I'd be the one to take the long road in pretty much anything. But what I've realized is you can try to do the best thing you can at every possible junction but people aren't going to care about the truth. They care about whatever validates their fucking existence in some little way. Give them something to be mad about, or something to laugh at. If they don't have that from somebody else then where could it possibly come from?!

I wouldn't bother with the truth much further. One day none of it will ever even matter.

So what is the takeaway from all of this? Perhaps as people we are all too consumed with our own loneliness and inner process that we refuse to see the external. Surely anything without too much analysis would be boring, huh?

The takeaway is; be honest with yourself and who you are. Don’t ever apologize for the way that someone perceives your action: they are ultimately only trying to understand their own projected expectation.  Be brave. Seek your own validation. Boldness will be rewarded.

And if it doesn’t, and if nothing of this is true…  at least we are closer to that one conscious thought.

Are Nice Guys Even In The Race?

"On why they finish last..."

It seems that wherever we go and whoever we surround ourselves with, conversation is always going to inevitably turn to love, lust, and relationships. This has never been a topic I have been extremely comfortable in discussing unless under the influence of enough alcohol to soften the brutal honesty with which I must approach this.

Admittedly, I am not the best mascot for love. I don't do romance, marriage, PDAs.. I barely even like holding hands (seriously?! You're sweating ON EACH OTHER)

Anyway.

When talking about love with male friends, I seem to be constantly bombarded with the question, 'What is wrong with you women? You all say you want a nice guy, and yet you date total assholes?!'

Gotta hand it to you, fellas. You're damn perceptive.

The truth is, it has taken me a really long time to try and form some sort of suitable answer to this. Whenever I get asked, I tend to just chuckle and shrug it off like I hadn't actually noticed, when in reality I spend most of my time fixating on morons and being completely oblivious to the advances of the genuinely nice guys who tend to lurk in the back of my mind. Don't get me wrong: I have been on dates with nice guys. I have let them take me to dinner, to the movies... And yet have always left the end of the night feeling like I just got smacked in the face by the politeness stick and feeling completely and utterly disinterested.

So what is it that switches off in a woman when she realizes that the guy she is going out with is nice? What is it that suddenly makes this man so unattractive, and somewhat un-dateable? And is this really a thing? Are nice guys done for?

Enough questions. It's time for some answers. Here are the ABCs of why nice guys appear to be finishing last.

1. The Availability clause.

I once went out on a date with a really nice guy. He was great on paper, had a good job, was good-looking, intelligent, and even made me laugh. Telling friends about him they thought I had hit the jackpot. After our date, which fell on a Thursday, he sent me a text message asking if he could see me again that Saturday. Playing it cool, I replied with a maybe. He later told me that he had made a reservation at a champagne bar down town, and he would meet me there at 8pm. Intrigued by his confidence, I went. He spent the night being himself, and generally doting on most things I said and did. The next morning, he texted me again asking if he could see me again soon. Instantly I knew I would never go out with him again.

Over time, it has become embedded in someone that something which is scarce and difficult to find has more value than something that is easily attainable. Diamonds, gold, mink... Things we see of higher value than something like wood. Truth is, wood is everywhere. Paper is everywhere. This is why we would rather the diamonds.

The same applies to men. If they are too available to us, they lose value. While playing it hot or cold is not great either, a man ideally has a subtle balance yet knows when to strike.

2. The Boss clause

Truth be told, a woman is an argumentative creature. We like to argue, and like to win. One of the reasons I went to law school was because I fancied my self a little too much as a defensive conversationalist.  And the great thing about the bad boy? They have the confidence to fight back.

Now, I’m not saying that women want to be argued with, dismissed, and told they are wrong consistently and to no avail. This is the ultimate turn-off. The nice guy, however, can have a tendency to be a little too agreeable around the female species. A guy once asked me out by saying, “I want to take you for a drink. If you don’t want to come with me, that’s fine. I’ll just ask you again tomorrow on the off chance you have come to your senses.”

The next day, he asked me again. On the third try I let him buy me a beer.

Mr Agreeable habitually asks a girl out once, gets rejected, and goes off to wallow in a corner about not even running the same race as the jerks, and never having a shot in hell. While the guy might have the confidence to ask once, he doesn’t believe fully in his ability to win the battle. The follow through is almost non-existent.  For women, this just ruins the game.

To tell a female secret; as much as we might pretend to hate the guys who play the game, we enjoy it just as much as they do. We LOVE the thrill of ‘why isn’t he texting me back straight away?’ and most of us harbour a secret desire to win the upper hand – to be chased. Saying yes on the first request ruins the chase: and guess what Mr Nice Guy? It ruins your chances too. Sorry!

3. The Chemistry clause

To put it simply: women quite often just aren’t attracted to nice guys. They don’t have any sexual chemistry with them. I’ve dated a few really sweet guys and have hated myself for having to tell them I’d rather be friends. Because, the truth is, I could only ever see myself being their friend. Yeah: they got LJBF’d.

Genetically (and this is going back a good few years) women were drawn to the hunter-gatherer: the man who could go out and provide for the family by any means necessary. The man was the predator: strong, rough, and ready. Not all women are looking for that these days (look at Liz Hurley! She’s dating Shane Warne!!) but there still has to be that element of ‘I don’t mind getting my hands dirty or my feet wet if needs be’. A strong, confident man will always let off an aroma of ‘don’t worry, I will look after you, and I know what I’m doing (in EVERY way)’ – the bad boy offers this (AND THEN SOME!!)

Besides, it doesn’t hurt to have a big ball of charm up your sleeve: and the bad boy always seems to know exactly what to say.

BUT DO NOT TAKE THIS AS BIBLE

I am no expert (am I?)

-RH

I'd like to add a disclaimer here. I do believe the nice guy can get the girl, and I believe that more often than not, the nice guy deserves the girl a lot more than anything else. I am just trying to dissect social protocol.

A Letter To My Nineteen-Year-Old Self..

KGUYZ, been a while.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life now and the sense of déjà vu, which is haunting me on a daily basis. I wondered whether I could ever actually get caught in the same situation twice; or whether it would, inevitably, be different.

The second law of thermodynamics gives us an arrow of time, and states that all matter, whatever it is, will change over time. Like humans, stars will die… and everything will eventually cease. Something of low entropy will become a high entropy object, and it cannot go backwards.

So surely I have not gone backwards, and the situations I find myself in are, if only in a small way, different?

This was the inspiration behind the below letter. It is a letter to my nineteen-year-old self. I realized that, if nothing else has changed it is my perspective on the situation, and the way that I deal with the decisions and options before me. My subconscious reaction is ultimately different, and can never go backwards.

Nineteen was an interesting time for me. This is why I felt it important to go back there, and see exactly what has come of it.

A LETTER TO MY NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD SELF:

A little piece of advice in terms of what is coming in the future for you, kid. It’s definitely going to be interesting.

First off, try remembering who you actually are as opposed to who other people think you are, and make you want to be. Other people are a constant source of inspiration, but they shouldn’t define you. From time to time, you’re going to see your entire future in another person, but it simply isn’t the case. It’s because you don’t really know what’s coming and you need to trust something. The best thing you can do is to make this mistake.  You’re going to take the long road, kiddo. You’re going to be that person who learns who they don’t want to be before actually figuring out who you are. It’s OK. This lesson in itself will define you.

You’re going to meet people who just weren’t built from the same stuff as you. Don’t judge them for it. Some of your best friends in the future will be people you never thought you would have anything in common with. Life is about chemistry and understanding. It isn’t about how you grew up or where you came from. You’re going to take a pretty serious point of view on this later in life.

Look back fondly on everything you can still remember. If you can, write stuff down. It’s more than a little embarrassing that you can’t remember all the great memories your friends have. Then again, perhaps it is because the memory bank is filled with so many other wonderful things.

Don’t start smoking. Seriously, it’s gross, and you will fight against it for the rest of your life.

The decisions you make now will change who you are forever. Choose wisely, but don’t let the thought process dominate. Always trust your gut: it will serve you well.

GET ON THE PLANE.

Every time.

Don’t ever take your money for granted.  Sometimes you will make a good amount, and sometimes you will make nothing. Spend money: it will not last forever, but be sure to save some for a rainy day. There are a few rainy days in your future.

Oh, and another thing? You’re going to work in sales. It’s probably going to make you begin to hate all people, but it’s also going to give you a pretty thick skin. You won’t be scared of a ‘no’, and you won’t expect much on a maybe. Your life will become dependent on the black and white: this is not a bad thing. In a few years you will understand the pun behind the negative shades of grey.

Stop taking yourself so seriously: Laugh.

You have years and years ahead of you: Slow down. Don’t rush so much.  You’re just not ready yet and that’s OK.

Listen to bad music, watch awful movies.

And never underestimate the value of helping another person. Nothing is ever worth anything unless you have someone to share it with. Whatever it is that you think you want from your life and from yourself, it will never be what you think it is unless you have family and friends there to stand by you.

Don’t grow up too fast, kid.

Also… remember to moisturize. 

-RH